Without fail...

Now you all know I try and keep this blog as hilarious as...well as I am everyday, however once in a while things happen, even to me, that make us look inside ourselves and deal with things and life, I used to party or have sex or laugh the pain away, mainly the first two, but I want to do things differently this time, so deal with the fact that this wont be a funny entry but will maybe let you get to know the real me better, The Dougie Fresh only a handful of people know...

While the Killer Mr brightside remix that Spence first found for me, plays in the background, I think of how happy & sad it makes me, how many emotions and events are attached to it, and now I'm adding two more one happy & one sad. The weather today couldn't match my mood any better, cloudy overcast emotions, rain drops ranging from a single tear to huge sobs, the beat of the city and my heart both a little slower & exposed to the elements we cannot control... It always seems to rain after I have a break up, well not every time but every time I'm sad about it, most of the boyfriends I dump i don't feel bad about, but now and again you meet some one and fall in love and that person changes you forever and for reasons that aren't always bad or anyones fault it doesn't work out, this is why personal days were invented, but hopefully it makes you a better person.

Someone once told me there are no failed relationships just learning experiences, I repeated this to him after his last break up and he never recalled saying it (Really Darrin, Really!? ) but its good advice and true, I'm a better person for everyone of my friendships and relationships, and I hope they all think the same. Enjoy the rain and the day. Loves

the sequel is to be continued...

The Hilarious ending to my Hot Nerd boyfriend Post is currently on hold, I Know readers, I know Im sorry too, stay tuned...

Me and my man(nequin) friend...

After the comments and laughs I recieved, I had to go to the store and take pictures of where my Eric took down a mannequin enjoy...




This picture is me pointing out the stairs that eric wouldn't pose for, and actually a really good pic of me I never realized how statuesque I am...Oh who am I kidding I always knew!!!











This is the Hot manequin that Eric actually knocked over, that apparently has been moved, also a good pic of It and looks A lot like me, Hhmm















And this is the picture I got of eric on the stairs after he refused to pose for a pi I thought he was going to take ME down after i took it!!

Camelt..OH!!

I know your all anxiously awaiting the conclusion to my previous entry, Its with my Editors as we speak, I thought I would take a minute to post about an evening that will not soon be forgotten by Anyone...

We were at the club and looked A-mazing, as I'm used to, but being one half of the cutest couple in salt lake isn't always easy, guys want to be you or hate you, gorgeous girls are always instantly drawn to you and want to be on your arm... case in point.
As we rolled into the club in tight Graphic tees that showed off our arms, looking like Hollywood Bitches, old friends and drunk people who wanted to know us gave us hugs and kisses and slurred sentences about how hot we looked, for the most part I simply said my token phrase " I know right..." smiled and pranced away, (to reference this prance look at my previous post, aka model walk) But one girl caught my attention, she was stunning!! Tall and slender, Long Blond staight shimmery hair, perfect skin and bone structure, walked like tyra banks in her red short dress and had that certain something that people were Drawn too, in short she was a Female Me, it was something out of a movie, our eyes met and we ran for each other she literally lept into my arms, kissed me and told me how hot I looked, I told her the same!! We could have gushed on for hours... Eric wasnt so much impressed, realizing how high she was and got us inside onto the dancefloor, knowing how well he and I dance together, he figured I would forget all about her, for the next 2 hours Eric and I tore up the dancefloor! Center stage like we always do, being so tall and blond its hard to be missed and of course a few friends and guys came over to say hello, we kept dancing, kissing and laughing until some people got onstage and started dancing, including miss tall blond and gorgeous, she saw me and motioned for me to get on stage with her, wanting to be the center of attention, I was tempted but Eric kept me from doing so, he had the good sense to realize only Tragics and one Hot model guy were on stage, he wanted to keep me away from both, God bless his Analytical nature, because shortly after she started dancing with this Really Hot Guy I wanted to hook up with... I mean, some dude Ive never seen before or since, and while she was facing the crowd her short skirt kept hiking up more and more along with her tight skimpy panties, everyone one was watching because this Guy she was dancing with was so Fucking Hott...OH and the skirt thing, just as I said "Eric I can see her cameltOH!!" the whole crowd let out a giant gasp, and you could see hundreds of homos hide their eyes and cry just like the day Prop 8 passed, I have never been so thankful for Eric keeping me in check and not letting me get carried away dancing with Hot Male models and Hot Tranny Mess's no matter how cute they are...

My new boyfriend... The Nerd

Let me just say, he knows I call him this, he's a self proclaimed nerd, he was in band for Christ sake, I've also referred to him as Adorkable for so many reasons, but both are complimentary, kind of, and once you finish this post you'll know why...

We had been talking about having some "fun" and going to the blue boutique to get some toys and perhaps some poppers, Since he was new to being a Bottom I didn't want to hurt him, too much. Now, Salt Lake is a small city, I run into people I know everywhere I go, So naturally I walk with confidence and class (aka my supermodel walk) everywhere I go because someone is going to know me, I'm Witty, social, and comfortable anywhere, So when we went to the blue boutique I walked in like it was no big deal, standing straight, looking everyone in the eye heading right back the toy and lube section, you could tell the employees were not used to this look and that most people walked in looking like well... eric, eyes on the floor a little hunched over, red in the face, you know the look. Stepping through those Adult Only doors I could see the Sheer shock on his face, the kind of shock I get when I walk into a Walmart or a payless shoes, Like you cant believe such a scary place even exists!!! I had a little fun showing him things I would never use and some I couldn't pronounce, we left there with a discreet black bag containing our purchases, as we walked to the car we of course ran into friends who were going to the restaurant that shared the same parking lot as afore mentioned Adult store, I acted casual and introduced Eric as my Boyfriend, we made jokes about the red lace hanging out of our discreet black bag and parted ways, I didn't think much of it after all what homo hadn't been to that store, besides eric I mean.

So we were off to our next destination, COCKERS the only boutique in salt lake owned by and made for gay men, they have the best underwear selection in the state. I had done some modeling for their store and some ads a few years earlier so I knew the owner well, Love you Dale!
Again I didn't think anything of walking into the back area and looking for new undies and Poppers, we were 2 of maybe a dozen people there and as we walked down the stairs from the upper level to meet the owner at the counter to inquire about the best "option for our Occasion" I walked like tyra banks would down a runway, owning every step, knowing all those guys wanted me, and being 6'5", blond and handsome I tend to attract attention, Alas So did Eric but in a different way... I heard a loud bang behind me and of course didn't turn around acting like I was to important to care, until I saw a mannequin wearing nothing but a mesh thong fall at my feet, AND then continue to fall down the stairs, hitting signs and other mannequins on the way down, my first instinct was to laugh and act casual like a true lady would, however eric was so mortified he ran past me down the stairs trying to catch the mannequins, this of Course made us more of a spectacle as he couldn't catch anything and was only making more noise and turning deeper and deeper shades of red! Everyone was looking at us, he reached for the torso that had finally stopped on the ground, when his pointy toed shoe kicked it and it went flying across the floor one last time and landed by the glass case that contained the very product we were intent on buying, I really and truly am not embarrassed by much, but after all this my first instinct was to pull my sunglasses over my eyes, laugh like I didnt know this adorkable guy, walk out of the store and never call him again, those of you who know me well know I could do that and not give it a second thought, looking at his awkward expression and wondering what to do seemed like hours when it was really about 3 seconds, however I did not walk out, but smiled, helped him clean things up and kissed him as his proud boyfriend, which I believe was the classy thing to do and eased the tension for everyone involved, I suppose we are all human and have our moments...

This however is not the end of the story, stay tuned for my next post tomorrow for the story on how the night ended up with all of our new purchases...

You'll Die!!!

So I advertised on facebook today a new blog entry that will make you die from laughter, I was going to change names and events a little to protect the innocent, if you can call him that, but it truly is best told just how it happened, So let me just say THIS about THAT...

Watchmen

I had heard little about this movie and just from the title thought I had seen something off color with the same name, so I was a bit intrigued, needless to say it was awful, I'm glad my nephews enjoyed it, and the naked blue guy helped... come to think of it the other watchmen movie I saw also had a naked blue guy in it... i think I smell copyright infringement!

I know i have been taking a long time to post new blogs, I have been connecting with a lot of old friends on facebook, I'm addicted and i have a new Beau, but i have plenty of stories, Stay tuned

new blog and web page

Im starting a new web page and blog i need feed back, what do we think of All Things Fresh or All Thats Fresh I like both

Caddy bitches and people who don't know better...

For those of you who don't know I recently resigned from my job, TA-DA!!! This is what people expect me to say after I say this, people are shocked, like i was a permanent fixture at that tacky store, that's partly why i left, so let me say This about That I was so sick of my fucking job and old, caddy, menopausal women I wanted to slit my wrists, literally, Its the reason I started drinking So much, I hate design right now, if you see me on the street don't ask me a design question or you may cause me to start drinking again, I went to a party tonight and I spoke with two kinds of people 1-Caddy Bitches and 2-people who clearly don't know me very well and didn't know any better.

Some dumb bitch works at a furniture store that is always on the verge of bankruptcy and she proceeded to tell me she had the best quarter of her life, this year, Bitch please I'm not stupid, were in a recession, and i can see the stress of your lies in your wrinkles and you've got a bad bleach job, I spit on her tacky shoes and walked away, example 2 a guy I dated for 2 minutes a couple years ago told me i hoped i was happy, which i am, and that he just wanted me to be a designer and be happy, was he fucking kidding me, did he hear a word i said, I hate design, Im sick of it, Im happy not having a stressful job, however I liked him more that the tacky bitch so i hugged him let myself out of the party and deleted his number,

People don't understand me, I have COMPLETELY changed who I am in the last year and i don't know these people anymore, and they don't know me, I was never the person they think I was, is it my fault? am I that good at putting on a show? or was i that messed up, i had some need to impress them?

"...you should date mormon girls..."

"...and do things like Ice Blocking..."

I was speechless. That is something that has only happened to me maybe 5 times in my entire life.

I was in a class recently and I had asked if anyone was single and how how was dating going since i was recently single, I thought it was a pretty easy question and having met me i assumed they all knew I was gay, apparently not.

One girl said "oh that's easy you just need to date mormon girls"

Wait What!? I tried to say the words but they wouldn't come out, I didn't even know where to start!!

girl #2 " ...and do things you wouldn't normally do like go Ice blocking..."

Again i tried to say something but my jaw just hung their in mid air, I thought surely I just hallucinated and these idiots were not talking to me, Dougie Fresh. but they were i think i must have passed out because i dont remember how that class ended.

I still have no idea what Ice Blocking is and will never try it, but i cant help but assume if mormon girls are doing it, thats why there up tight, frigid bitches.

From A to Shoes, A brief gay history...

I dated someone recently, newly out of the closet, and he didn't know anything about being gay, he wore bad shoes, didn't know how to get his hair cut and didn't know anything about sex, poor thing didn't have a clue, luckily he had me and I know everything about being gay from A to shoes, so to speak;

First on my list, Anal sex: I'll keep this short as to not offend anyone (not that i typically care about that) but anyone who has been there knows what I'm talking about, it takes preparation.

next on my list, Jewelry He thought it cool to wear, what I call "Fag jewelry", I don't approve of much jewelry on a man, it needs to be tasteful, refined and contain No Jewels, therefore not making it jewelry, see how that works? we've all been there, you want to make a statement, I'm sure their are pics out there of me in similar things but i was 19, not 27 as I am now.

Restaurant's, he had this down he knew what places were Fab and what to order, his saving grace!

Shoes, he wore the Worst shoes! Things you could go hunting in, I assume, clunky things that were worn and...oh god i get a little queezy just picturing them again, and the strange thing is he had good taste in clothes for the most part, expensive jeans ect.

Alright so this goes past shoes but is equally important, Underwear, Lets break this down right now, Hanes or G's or anything worn is never, ever, appropriate if your trying to get laid, their not sexy or interesting or flattering, go online or to your local gay shop and get something colorful and bold and maybe a jock strap too, thats always sexy.

Returning to my roots, Literally...

Speaking to a fan earlier today she said, "You know I could have gotten pregnant and had a baby in the time span since you wrote your last blog, whats the Problem?!" I wish she had instead of that stupid he/she who was on oprah, more on that later, heres the story with me...

...Once again my life is at a crossroads, I've taken a new job with a major fashion house, I've moved and I'm Blonde again (see picture above) those of you who have only known me a short while only know me with black or dark hair, but have been primarily blonde my whole life, more about that later..So i resigned from my job and took a job with a great company I can travel with seeing as how I dont want to be in salt lake city or Utah much longer, Im very excited about all the changes, and when i see old friends they about pass out and ask me " why all the changes and so drastically..." well I've always said larger than life is just the right size!

Surely we'll be the gayest people there...

Typically that is a true statement when I visit my home town of Provo, I love making people in Provo feel uncomfortable because it is such a... well a backward place, so I always dress and act over the top gay, Yes bitches more than normal.

When I came out I just felt the need to show off, just ask one of many, my friend Spence, who first saw me walking through University Mall and wanted to be just like me, or anyone else who grew up there, or went to byu. I'm the Most Well Known Gay Man from Provo of my generation. But tonight Chris and I went to a party in provo and low and behold we met two guys who were "roommates" and had gone to byu, We knew they were gay instantly even though they were talking about they're ward and the tabernacle choir and missions etc. , well actually I knew Because of those things, and the fact that they had to leave early because they had a "chocolate souffle in the oven," Really? A chocolate souffle? Thats the gayest excuse I have ever heard, EVER. Chocolate souffle is either code for something or I have been out gayed. A friend of mine works with one of theses guys now and they are indeed that gay, so for now I keep my tiara, and I would love a piece of that chocolate souffle!

One day you realize...

As I near the passage way to my thirties, Their are certain things I'm realizing I need...Well not actually NEED, as I buy anything I want, But things I should have and do, break off the shackles of irresponsible adolescence and become an adult, for instance cooking and having actual cookwear. I realize a lot of people are good at cooking and do it often, not that I cant do it, I just Don't. Being happily Single, Busy and Fabulous, I eat out almost every meal of everyday. It's easy, and I love good food, getting dressed up and trying new restaurants.

But today was different, I was enjoying a leisurely afternoon and evening reading, watching movies and admiring all my weekend purchases, when I had a growling in my flat, toned tummy, since it was a lazy Sunday I decided to run down to my favorite take out Mexican place, instead of going anywhere fancy. But as I stepped outside it was incredibly snowy, which made me question again why I chose to live in Utah, but figured it was a question for another day, and I would just make the short drive to get my food. It wasn't a short drive, but a slow one. The roads were pure Ice, even large trucks were moving at glacial speeds, luckily I am a great driver, and my jetta really is a snow car, eventually I made it to the intersection where the restaurant was only to see it was closed, Luckily there was a great Chinese restaurant at the same intersection...that was also closed. In fact the whole area was closed, because the power was out.

I was without food, I didn't want to drive any further and I had nothing at the house, except maybe granola from wild oats I had purchased only because the packaging was adorable, but surely any milk I had would be bad by now.

So after a long, slow drive back to my place I sit here knowing, that for Christmas, I'm going to Williams Sonoma, and buying myself a set of pots and pans and coordinating accessories, So the next time this happens, or say, I want to impress my future husband by cooking him a gourmet meal I'll at least have the accessories.

But where does one go for designer food?

The Lemon Pepper Diet, You've Got To Try IT!!

We've all seen the soup commercial with those overly excited women yelling at their friends about how they lost pound after flabby pound on "...the chicken noodle diet, you've got to try it!!"

I hate them, we've all tried chicken noodle soup Bitches! Until Brittany Spears or Anna Nicole start raving about soup diets, keep them the hell away from me.

However for years my dear friend Darrin (who's fabo art work I have hanging proudly in my place) has kept in great shape by exercising and eating lots of vegetables and Chicken. Lemon Pepper Chicken. He used to make it for his family as much as 4 night a week, but his partner Grant never listened, dismissing Darrins great physique (I would know, we once did a photo shoot together in speedo's in citi creek, Literally in the freezing cold Creek, But I'll save this story for another blog.) on genetics and eating fast food, greasy, fattening fast food. Until one day he wanted to lose weight and started to work out and eat better, when he went to his trainer, the trainer told him to eat grilled chicken, so he does for days, chicken for dinner every night for weeks, he has trimmed down, looks great and is much happier. But alas he grew tired of eating plain chicken, so he went back to his trainer and guess what his trainer said, "if you get tired of chicken you can put lemon pepper on it." Wow! lemon pepper who knew!? Apparently someone near and dear to grants heart, His trainer.

Have we met?

Picture it. Sicily, 1932, on a cold rainy night... Wait that's not me, that was Sophia on the Golden Girls, Forgive me, It's on Lifetime Television 14 times a day so sometimes I get confused, Butt it happens to the best of us, right?

Picture it; The gym, My gym, just days ago...
I was feeling full of energy one night and since my Trainer (of death) had put me on a tight workout schedule, and taken all the fun out of eating and getting drunk, I decided to go to the Gym, After 45 minutes of cardio and some sit ups I was very proud of myself and was sure Andrew (Trainer of Death) would be as well. It was time for some much needed sauna time, I went into the lockeroom to change, when I bent over to put on my trunks for the sauna, Right behind me I heard " Hey Johnny..." feeling vulnerable in my naked state I stood up and turned around to see some strange man behind me with a "Hey man, good to see you" look on his face, turn to a "Oh god, I'm stupid" look on his face, Then he said "Oh sorry man, I thought you were someone else" in a rather sheepish voice. Apparently I have a familiar look from the back! I still don't know how to feel about this encounter, But have since met Johnny and can Say I don't see the resemblance.

How could I have known?

Recently I was checking out a friends new fabulous condo, when I saw a picture of his college rugby team (YUMMY). I decided to play "Yes/No" with said picture, for those of you who don't know what Yes/No is I'll explain, Featured on Sex and the City, you say yes or no to guys you'd sleep with, you can play this at a cafe or walking through the mall or say, on a picture of a rugby team, after several "Yes!"s and only 3 No's I sat the picture down and another caught my eye, It was a picture of my friend and his friends at the prom with their dates, they all looked so cute in their tuxedo's and corsages, "Mike," I said "You look cute, But your Date's Hair is HORRIBLE!" I followed this comment with the kind of face a cat makes when choking on a hair ball, assuming it was just bad high school hair that everyone has in prom pictures, I expected laughs and a long conversation about high school hair over drinks in his new hot tub, instead mike threw a wrench in my plans and said, "Thats my MOM, at my sisters wedding last year, YOU ASSHOLE!!"
Most people would have been Mortified and apologetic. Being the Ice queen I am, I was of course Neither and simply said what was on my mind, which was " Well has she changed it since then?! " She Hadn't.
There were of course no laughs or drinks in the hot tub, But Mike and I are talking again and I am working on smuggling both pictures onto my blog, so stay tuned.

The top TEN reasons why Spence (and everybody else) Loves me

Why my good friend spence has waged a blog war on me I'll never know. Well read on, here are the 10 reasons spence loves me!!

#10 I drove with him from Salt Lake to Seattle and stayed in haunted hotels when I could have been on a climate controled transcontinental air line. I do indeed have him covered like a jimmy hat, a very tall, young and slender jimmy hat!

#9 I'm the most Stylish Bitch I know, and I know alot of people.Period. End of sentence.

#8 Everytime I visit seattle I help him pick out Fabo furniture for his penthouse and never once have I charged him a design fee!

#7 I do have a great sense of humor, I'm super fun!! Ask anyone who knows me. ANY OF THEM.

#6 Because Spence and I are twins seperated at birth, And were always there for each other. Like the time he told me I rely to much on my Hair, and that we were not on Americas Next Top Hair Model.

#5 Because I would never eat at alberto's. And there aren't pictures to prove otherwise.

#4 Because I've never told anyone about the time he had diareah at Alberto... Wait, What.

#3 I'm Hella fine.

#2 MAD Photogenic.

#1 And Rockin 1 leg. So take a walk bitches 'cause I cant.

Kisses.

If Madonna can write a childrens book so can I!!

I have a fictional friend who does Mad drugs, one day in seattle I saw him doing this...


Which led me to a little of this...


which led me to a little of this (I'm the one in the dress, don't my legs look great!)


Which according to the news led to this...Oopsie!


Which ended up alright because it led to a little of this, Hello Mr. firefighter!


What do you think? Let me know
Madonna if your reading this don't get angry, I love your work!

Pay back is a Bitch!

Whomever coined the phrase "One good turn deserve's another" is a genious!
I Now fullly understand the complexity of that phrase. For those of you who dont know what I'm talking about... Let's not kid around you've all seen me on spence's blog chowing on a moons over my hammy!! I think this picture says it all. Payback is indeed a Bitch.
Love you spence, Kisses!